A day inside my mind: Relationship OCD (#1)
The exhausting back-to-back thoughts of an ROCD sufferer on a usual day.
Of all the OCD themes I have experienced throughout my life, relationship OCD was one of the most painful. The next couple of essays that follow will explore this part of my life. But before I tell the story, I want to share with you a little of what my mind looked like when OCD was at its worst. The words below are a snapshot of my therapy journal from 2021, only a few weeks after I was diagnosed.
At the time, I was spending more than 12 hours a day checking, ruminating, mentally reviewing, searching for reassurance and avoiding anything that might trigger another spiral. This was the mind from which my recovery began.
Maybe I don’t really love him.
How do people know they love someone? How do they know for sure?
What if I’ve never actually been in love and I’ve been lying to myself this whole time?
What if I only think I love him because I’m afraid of being alone? Am I afraid of being alone?
What if there is a “right” way to love someone and I’m doing it wrong?
What if I’m incapable of love?
Everyone else seems so certain about their relationships. Why can’t I just know?
How do I know we’re truly compatible?
What if we’re fundamentally incompatible and I just haven’t realized it yet?
Am I supposed to feel something special every time I see him?
When we met, did I feel what I was supposed to feel? Was there enough chemistry? Enough excitement?
Maybe I should replay that memory again. Maybe that’s why I was scared to go on the date. Maybe my intuition was telling me it’d be wrong.
I felt bored this afternoon. Does that mean I don’t love him? I shouldn’t be bored next to him.
I don’t miss him right now. I don’t feel love in my stomach, in my body right now. Is that a sign? How do I need to feel?
I’ve not been into sex lately. Doesn’t this mean the passion is gone? Does that mean the relationship is over?
I didn’t feel butterflies when he kissed me this afternoon. Is that normal? Or is that proof that something is wrong?
I don’t think about him every second of the day. Does that mean I don’t love him?
Why am I enjoying myself with my friends right now when I’m suffering so much? Shouldn’t I always prefer being with him?
What if I’m happier on my own?
Why do I feel calmer when I’m away? Why my anxiety gets smaller? Dies this mean I shouldn’t be next to him? With him?
Do people who are truly in love ever have doubts?
Should I be having these thoughts at all?
What if these thoughts mean we’re simply not meant to be together?
Maybe these intrusive thoughts are actually my intuition trying to tell me something.
What if everyone else can see that this relationship isn’t right except me?
What if I’m staying only because I’m scared?
What if I’m leaving because I’m scared?
How can I tell the difference?
What if I break up and realize years later that I made the biggest mistake of my life?
But what if I stay and waste both of our lives? I don’t want to hurt him.
Maybe I should compare this relationship to my previous relationships again.
Did I feel more passion with my ex?
Did I miss my ex more?
Why did I notice my ex’s perfume on someone on the street this week? Does that mean I still love him?
Why did I find that stranger attractive? Does that mean I don’t love him?
What if I suddenly fall in love with someone else?
What if I lose control and cheat?
What if I become attracted to someone in the street? And then decide to ran off.
I shouldn’t look at attractive people. I shouldn’t look at other men.
Actually, maybe I shouldn’t even go out. I can’ t look in the eyes of other men.
Maybe if I think about this long enough, I’ll finally know.
I’ll try reading the prayer more times.
Maybe read it better. But I’ve never been religious.
What if God is punishing me now?
I should search online: “How do you know if you’re in love?”
Maybe I should read another article.
Maybe I should take another compatibility test.
I will text Cristina to ask how she knows she loves her boyfriend.
Or maybe ask my mum or grandma if what I’m feeling is normal. They have more experience.
Maybe I can check other happy couples online and see if we’re doing or saying the same things.
Maybe if I read enough stories, I’ll know for certain.
What if that girl I found pretty is actually a sign I may be a lesbian?
What if I’ve invented all of this?
What if my therapist is wrong? After all, we’ve only had 3 sessions.
Maybe I’m inventing and playing all of this to get away with it.
I need to remember exactly what I felt when I saw her. Maybe I’m hiding behind liking her style or clothes.
Did I really have the same anxiety in my ex relationship?
What if it was different and now I can’t remember?
What if it’s the same? We ended up breaking up. What if this is a sign that’ll end up the same way?
I need to replay the beginning of our relationship one more time.
I need to remember exactly how I felt on our first date.
I need to remember whether I felt butterflies.
No, I need to think about it again.
Maybe this time I’ll finally be sure.
I just need to know, to feel for sure.
Once I know for sure, I’ll finally be able to live.
But I can’t breathe.
I am so scared.
I’m scared of my own mind. What if I lose control and kill myself?
But I don’t want to die. I want to feel normal.
I’m losing my mind.
Please help me, God, please.
I don’t charge for my writing, but if you enjoy it and want to support my work, I’d happily accept a coffee—flat white team here.
The nights were often the hardest. I would dream about my obsessions, only to wake up and find them waiting for me. My mind would already be racing before I had even opened my eyes. The intrusive thoughts were so relentless that there were moments I genuinely wondered whether I was developing auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t. It was simply a brain caught in an obsessive loop so intense that there seemed to be no distinction between sleeping and waking.
Looking back now, it is difficult to recognize that version of myself. At the time, however, I couldn’t imagine that life could feel any different.
But it absolutely can.
Final thoughts
If you found yourself somewhere in these words, know this: there is hope.
Recovery is possible, even if it feels unimaginable right now.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and keep asking until you find someone who can hold your hand through it. That person doesn’t have to be your partner. It might be a family member, a friend, a therapist, or someone else who has walked this path before and can remind you that you don’t have to walk it alone.
And if, for now, all you have is yourself, let that be enough to take the next small step. One act of courage at a time is how recovery begins.
P.S.: You can always reach out in DM if you need a word of encouragement!
"Maybe these intrusive thoughts are actually my intuition trying to tell me something." ohh, i've been here. thank you for sharing such a vulnerable, thoughtful piece. i find articles like this are so important, truly help others feel seen & less alone. with that being said, sending lots of love your way, & i look forward to reading more 🫂
How did you read the chaos of my mind and put it into words? This was so painfully relatable.Every "what if" echoed like thoughts I've never been able to name..😭 You captured the exhausting spiral that slowly turns us into an avoidant version of ourselves. Beautifully written! Thank you, Irina.